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What's Next??
Some plausible predictions for things to come.

Be sure to check for updates.
The most recent articles are at the top.

True Viral Marketing

A virus which makes the infected host break out in small, relatively painless corporate logos for 3-6 days. It could be "marketized" into an easily dispersed aerosol, or spiked into food and phamaceutical products of participating companies.

"Look, I got the McMeasles!"

"Lucky! All I got was Sony Pox."

The practice will be introduced by an ingenious itch-cream manufacturer who creates a nasty rash, which happens to spell out directions to the nearest pharmacy, where the antidote is sold at a moderate price.

The first viral-ad fatality will come as a result of a high-school student in Pennsylvania being infected by simultaneous adverts for Coke and Pop Rocks.

FREEWAY JOUSTING

Tired of the usual XXTREEME!!! sports, some bored collegiates will invent the freeway joust. Two Opponents on motorcycle, or in convertibles autos, will enter a thoroughfare from on-ramps of opposing directions. They will brandish long PVC poles or broomsticks, take a positions in their respective #1 lanes, and attempt to knock each other off their mounts as they pass at speed. Groupies will flock to cheer on their favorite jousters, dropping thong panties for their knights to retrieve (instead of veils) from limousine windows.

Of course the sport will be much safer than it would seem, with US freeway speeds projected at approximately 2.7 MPH on the higher end.

LP-ROMS

This innovation will be led by those retro hipsters who aren't satisfied with using vinyl LP records just for their DJ gigs and lunchbox-girl courting. Vinyl villains the world over are going to start demanding all sorts of computer software be released in LP-Rom format. It works much like the old data audio-cassette, with annoying analog tones encoded on the vinyl platter being converted into data which somehow makes sense to the computer.

But before you order your Windows Vista box set, be warned, these platters will be just as fragile as their musical predecessors. The words "cracked software" will take on a whole new meaning.

Ice Museums

Natural history buffs will travel hundreds of miles to see ice exhibits, housed in refrigerated wings of the world's top museums. There they will find collections of rare ice in the form of icicles, frost, cubes, and snowmen. The Guggenheim will be fortunate enough to acquire the priceless "Maltese Dolphin", a leftover from some Texan's barbecue. The Cairo Museum will house the largest collection of British ice in the world.

Sadly, the world will mourn when an intern at the Smithsonian Institute accidentally sets the thermostat at 33 degrees F, melting the world's last known Otter Pop.

Sun Hate

People will hate the sun. This includes everyone, from little babies to congressmen to pantomime artists. Assumed at first to be an irrational reaction to global warming, it will later be discovered by alien anthropologists that the sun is a downright rude bastard, and only in future decades do we decipher what he's been saying to us all these years. It's not very nice. And then ultimately, he fries us like pancakes.

Disposable Airplanes

With the high price of jet fuel as a concrete barrier to airline profitability, a small international carrier will discover the only way to cut costs is in the planes themselves. Constructed from a super-thin arboreal laminate sheet material, these new aircraft can be assembled and even re-configured right on the runway tarmac, by a crew of only 4-6 workmen with no tools whatsoever. A sharp wedge configuration can be used for Trans-Atlantic flights, while a more snub-nosed plane is more suited for short commuter hops.

Another innovation is the ease of marking the plane's outer hull. The air carrier's logo can be easily applied with a graphite compound, as can military markings, such as camouflage or spitfire heads. Well-to-do customers can even charter special "note flights" which can be flown directly to any destination, perhaps a loved one's doorstep, with a specially scribed message written on the wing.

Incredibly, a crash of this plane will not have the dangerous and tragic consequences of conventional aircraft. In the event of a bad landing, it is usually a matter of only a few minutes to straighten the nose section and re-launch the plane with the help of a few locals on the ground.

The new craft does have its limitations however. Any rain or inclement weather will ground the vessel, and scissors or staplers are strictly prohibited on any flight. At the end of its service, the plane can be rolled up by a few mechanics and placed in a large industrial cylinder to await disposal.

(c) James Hakola 2006