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SEX IN VIDEO ARCADE GAMES: THE UGLY TRUTH

To think our innocent youths have been playing these very games in darkened arcades for 20 years (and in some cases nearly 30), groping for sweat-covered joysticks handled by countless anonymous strangers. This is a wake-up call, people! There is still time to save the children of this generation, many of whom are still under 40.

PAC-MAN

A most blatent endorsement of prostitution.  A clear suggestion of darkened streetcorners with the black playfield.  Hurting for business, the ladies pursue the only John in sight until he finally gives in, performing the deed with the only organ available to him... his mouth.  Note how persistent the pink one is.

GAUNTLET

Basically a group grope.  A foursome of frotteurists sleaze through a dungeon.  All the while they rub up against hooded freaks, cavemen, midgets and anyone else who presents himself for a good grinding.  As the action intensifies, so many groupies surround the players that the adjacent ones must be eliminated in order to give the others a chance at gratification.

FOOD FIGHT

Who would let their child near these people-- a group of very suspicious-looking strangers (who can only claim to be 'chefs' since they are never seen actually cooking)??  They chase a young boy around,  offering him "treats" (like their pie and their banannas) while simultaneously trying to grab him...   These weirdoes are frequently seen popping out of holes in the floor, talk about creepy! 

ROBOTRON

A suburban wife-swapping simulator.  Your job is to wander a bleak, monotonous subdivision and collect all of the women.  Meanwhile you must fend off the self-righteous rednecks and Mi crosoft engineers who keep disrupting your plans for a polygamist heaven in the 'burbs.

VANGUARD

The crime-- TRANSMISSION OF STDs.  Clearly the objective here is to guide your missile-shaped vessel into a giant, cavernous, hair-lined rectuml(Left).  The pasageway twists and turns as you encounter the leftover objects from previous activities associated with this orifice-- Harley Rockets, Kemlus Snakes, etc.  Finally, you are rewarded by a rendezvous with a thinly disguised entity called simply "The Gonnd" (Right).

STREET FIGHTER

There seems to be an awful lot of "slapping" and "stretching" going on here. To do in public what is an abomination even behind closed doors...

Donkey Kong Jr.

The bizarre act of bondage was never so clearly championed in a video game.  A "plumber" has strapped down a big ape, complete with whips, chains and padlocks.   And when the ape's son comes to the rescue-- they sic the alligator clips on him!!   I'm not sure what all the fruit is for.

BURGERTIME

The Crime-- SEXUAL HARRASSMENT IN THE WORKPLACE.  A confused-looking burger chef wanders through his day job.  Constantly he is pursued by thinly disguised phallic and mammalian organs who seem intent upon urging him into one lifestyle or another...   Finally, he is thrown to the floor and ravaged by either a giant weiner or an enormous breast-like egg.  Note that the wieners outnumber the eggs three to one.

..

JOUST

Let me get this straight-- You fly around the screen slamming your ostrich's butt into the opposing riders?? And when you do, the enemy bird lays an egg that eventually hatches into... A HUMAN??  I think these knights are sharing a little more than their lunch with these fowl.   Note the big hand fondling the bird at left.

DONKEY KONG

The crime-- BESTIALITY! But at least the mating of a woman and a giant ape stays within the primate family.  Note the narcotics reference in the frame at right.

DIG DUG

Exactly WHAT IS that appendage he's using to "pump up" those bad guys? It's even the same color as he is.   

JUNGLE KING

Jungleman is wearing only a loincloth. Not to mention the double-entendre of the bad guys wanting to eat his sweetheart. And don't even get me started on the swinging-from-vines part.

ZWACKERY

I'm not exactly sure what "zwackery" is, but judging by the looks of it, you can count me out.

SPACE INVADERS

The Crime-- INBREEDING!  There are waves and waves of invaders, hundreds of 'em-- yet they come in only 3 different types?   And they aren't very smart either.  I think we all know how they are reproducing.   Plus they have the nerve to flaunt it in a sick, backwoods style conga-line.   They eventually attempt to crush you in order to remove you from their relatively small gene pool.

CENTIPEDE

A wriggling snake, moving to a pulsating beat? Textbook Freudian nightmare.  You can even cut it in half if its size intimidates you.

KARATE CHAMP

JAILBAIT! Look how small this woman is compared to the karatekas who are fighting for her affections.   The winner of the tournament is sure to wind up in handcuffs.

QIX

A game where you have to draw shapes with a line to score points.   Innocent?  Hardly.  Although the actual game code is (probably) clean, it would be very easy for anyone to draw pornographic doodles in a public arcade where a minor could see them.  A sin of omission on the programmers' part, there should be a smut-lockout device in effect.

Q-BERT

That nose... I don't know, you tell me.  Also seems to endorse a sleazy (albeit non-sexual) practice-- the MLM (Multi-Level Marketing).

GLADIATOR

The name says it all. Some people are drawn to these types of men, whether in movies, or video games (not that there's anything wrong with that...) The object of the game is basically to undress your opponent  (I am not kidding) and watch him prance around in his skivvies until you finally "skewer" him with your big sword.   When a lovely female warrior is finally subdued, begging to be ravished, she is given the brushoff.

BAGMAN

You've heard what goes on in prison.

DEFENDER

I don't think those little humanoids are wearing any clothes. Just my opinion.

TAPPER

Ever notice how all those barflies disappear into the next room as soon as they get some beer into themselves?  What are they off to do back there??

ZAXXON

You know what evil robots are capable of. You DID see Saturn 3, right?  And what's with the pink jet??  That's not a military color.  Oh well-- don't ask, don't tell....

TROJAN

We all know what this is for.  There is no need to adverstise prophylactics in the arcade.

VENTURE

The crime-- Chauvinism! The hero "Winky" looks more like the "male" symbol than an adventuring archer. He fires his arrows of masculine power into unfortunate creatures (probably feminists) whose will to protest deflates before your eyes.  Plus his name is Winky.

VIGILANTE

Mentions Madonna (which itself is cause for concern), although she looks more like Sally Struthers or maybe Bernadette Peters.  Either way...

WARLORDS

Two words-- "Fire Balls"