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What to do When Somebody Dies

Please stop reading now if you are a sensitive so-and-so.

It’s no secret that everybody is going to die. Car wreck. Cholesterol. Bananna peel. Plane crash. Ebola virus. Cap in the ass. Too many birthdays. It will happen to you too.

At least when it’s your turn, you get the vacation. You needn’t worry about ironing a suit, nibbling at a mediocre buffet with people you used to know, and looking all longfaced. It’s YOUR party. Everyone’s invited, and they do ALL the work. They dress you up in an expensive suit, maybe the best one you’ve worn. They put you in a nice comfy box (or a nice, toasty oven). Then everyone says nice things about you, even people who wouldn’t give you the time of day in life. You get to relax, kick back, not even lifting a finger unless rigor-mortis so dictates. But that’s not exactly what I want to tell you about right now.

What should YOU do when some body dies?

Celebrities
Watch as much TV news as you can. If a big celebrity dies, you want to be the FIRST to know. When the news segment is over, run out buy every bit of related memorabilia you can find, before it skyrockets in value.

Then, call up everyone you know and tell them that "So-and-So" just died. Tell them exactly how it happened, and make it sound as sordid and astonishing as possible, even if it was a 93-year-old vaudevillian with lung cancer. Add your own murder subtexts if you like. You can even do this with people who HAVEN’T DIED, at least a couple of times anyway. Nobody likes to admit it, but there is a small thrill in being the first to break the news to somebody about a big star’s death, especially to someone who will be a little upset by it. Maybe it’s because you will always be the remembered as "the way they heard", a strong association like the old "where were you when Kennedy got shot" bit.

On the other hand, nothing is worse than having some chump spring the news on you, leaving you to wonder if it’s true (or HOW MUCH of it is true) until you can catch the eleven o’clock. Maybe you will even be the one who is shocked or saddened. But before you become too sad, just remember there’s lots of celebrities, and they keep making young ones to replace the older ones who keep dying. Need proof? Just watch an old black-and white movie sometime, especially one with a big ballroom party scene. Look at that crowd. Most, if not all, of those people are now dead, and yet we STILL have movie stars.

People you openly hated
You may think it’s as simple as crossing them off the list, but it isn’t. Say LOTS of nice things at the funeral. If you can’t do this, then don’t go, just send flowers (nice ones, but not TOO nice). Don’t celebrate anything (even your own birthday) for the next two months. Prepare an alibi. And it better be a damn good one, especially if you were the one who did it. Of course, if you have custody of the body, just dispose of it the best you can. No body, no murder.  Movies can show you lots of ways of disposing of a body. Watch gangster movies for the right ways. Watch horror movies for the wrong ways. Remember, dead men tell no tales, but forensic pathologists have LOTS to say.

Sometimes the best poke they can take at you is falling to an untimely death. Other than the obvious threat of arrest, there are your unresolved feelings, the comebacks you never thought of until now, lawsuits you waited too long to file, the spouses you never had a chance to seduce. The game is over, and the score is tallied, no chance to settle up now. Or is there…?

People you secretly hated
As a point for living in general, it is better not to hate people. But if you must hate somebody, it is always wiser to hate them secretly than openly. Not only will you gain the trust of the people you ultimately wish to harm, but your feelings will grow stronger when you keep them all bottled up. This will make the ultimate demise of your foe all the more rewarding.

But when it happens finally, don’t be crass, or otherwise you will be the one everybody hates. You’ve waited this long to speak your mind, you can wait a little longer. In the meantime, take a few weeks to reflect on why you hated this person. Maybe you didn’t really hate him, maybe you actually hate yourself for not being as good a person as he was. However, you can’t hatch interesting plots against yourself, so convince yourself once again that it was him you hated. When an appropriate grieving time has passed, and people no longer cry or sigh when the beloved’s name is mentioned, then by all means you should attempt to erode everything they had accomplished in life.

Start to badmouth them in small ways at first, passing out little bits of intelligence you were able to gather when they weren’t looking. Slanderous remarks they’d made about loved ones. Petty thefts. Sexual indiscretions. Then, when people are softened up and ready to hear more, give them the good stuff. The embezzelements. The secret paternities. The skullduggery. Milk it for all it’s worth now—you missed the boat on any lucrative blackmail schemes, but it’s not too late to do some damage. Circulate a rumor that might get the body exhumed (like a death by fowl play, or a treasure map). If there is a left-over widow, try to marry ‘er and get her to change her name (as well as her children’s). Convince the family to contest any charitable contributions stated in the will. Accidentally lose all their pictures and his memoirs. Be creative. Just be prepared for a hero’s welcome in hell when it’s your turn.

People you knew, but had no feelings for one way or the other
Here is where you will be punished. You walk the fence here. The person who died is somebody you knew, and some of your friends or relatives cared VERY deeply for this person. But for some reason you had no feelings for them one way or the other. Maybe you never realized this until now, and only because you are not even tempted to cry now that they have died. There you are, dry as a bone, while the people around you are turning on the fountains, their dark garments crusted with white streaks of tear-salt. If you have known several people who have died, and yet they all fall into this category, you might want to do some self-evaluation (like checking your chest for a heartbeat).

Most of us are not actors, and unless you are, don’t even THINK about pretending to cry. It doesn’t work, and besides, there are hormonal tests they can run on tears to see if they are forced.  Instead, try the "brave little soldier" routine. You can win some very big points when you play this card. Offer a shoulder for people to cry on. Do the driving for those who are not in the shape to do so. Make a tasteful "lift the spirits" jest when the time is appropriate. Look up at the sky and bite your lip when it looks like you should be bawling.

However, if you are ambitious, you can conjure some REAL tears by thinking about other things. Focus on the guilt you feel for not actually being moved by another human being’s life passing from this earth. Think of the day your bicycle was stolen as a kid. Think about when you fogot to feed your fish (see pets further down). Then focus on the guilt you feel for wanting to cry about THOSE THINGS but not this. Crying is like vomiting, everyone tries not to do it, but once you do you feel much better, even if you’re forcing it. If it’s appropriate to keep crying, remind yourself that you are only being moved by self-pity, and not real feelings for somebody else. See?? It’s big cycle. Ride it.

People you didn’t know, but your friends did
This is a sticky wicket here. Your good friend just had a family member pass away (or a family member had a friend pass away). In any case, they knew them, but you didn’t. They are sad, you are not. Maybe you would be if you had known them, but you didn’t. You could try to console your friend, but you might get spanked. Case in point: a friend of mine once mentioned that his [RELATION] had died. He sounded sad. So I said, "Gosh, [NAME OF FRIEND]. I’m sorry," So he came back by saying something resembling, "Yeah, like you care".

Indeed.

I was quite shocked at his rudeness, after all I was just trying to be polite. If he hadn’t wanted me to make a consoling comment, he shouldn’t have brought it up. And yet I was refreshed by his honesty. Death is always surrounded by outrageous lies we tell each other (and ourselves). Here, finally, was somebody speaking his mind.

I thought for a time that he was right, and that I didn’t really care-- I WAS being hypocritical, wasn’t I? How could I possibly be sorry at the passing of somebody I didn’t know, and furthermore didn’t even know EXISTED until the moment I was informed of his death? And why was I saying "Sorry"—that’s a fake apology for something that wasn’t my fault, isn’t it? It took me a while to decide how to answer this challenge the next time, but here is what I came up with.

It’s true, I will not miss somebody whom I had never known. However "I’m sorry" is a sympathetic getsure to the bereaved, and it’s the truth. "I’m sorry," doesn’t mean "Geez, what a great guy, I’ll miss him so much." Rather, it means, "Gosh, you lost somebody you probably loved a lot. I’m sorry that happened TO YOU. I care about you, and it makes me sad that you will be sad. For this, I am sorry."

It is also important to make the distinction that "sorry" is a descendant of the word "sorrow". It is not exclusively an apology or an admission of guilt. A better translation is, "I have sorrow." It just happens to have been transformed into a cure-all confession by centuries of knee-jerk apologies

Pets

My only advice: Grieve. Grieve openly and bitterly.

If you have ever owned and loved an animal, you have probably lost one as well. There is a certain type of sadness and guilt that only comes when your faithful friend has fallen asleep for the last time. Personally, I have not cried for every person in my life who has passed away. However, I have cried for every animal I’ve lost, including a 9" iguana. Is it because animals are more deserving of sympathy than humans? Yes, of course. But there’s more.

Face it: a pet is a kept animal, and often not by its own choosing. It is a formerly wild creature, removed from its natural habitat, and placed in an artificial dwelling with humans. It doesn’t matter if you have it thanks to a 10,000 year domestication program, or if you just captured it last week on the beach. It is like a child for its whole life with you. It trusts and depends upon you for everything—food, shelter, medical help, discipline, and preventative safety. So when something goes wrong, you MUST blame yourself for it. If your cat keels over, you will wonder if you let her water sit too long before changing it. If your dog falls out of the back of your pickup, you will kick yourself for not buying a Bronco. Even if you get them to the vet while there’s still time, you will of course regretfully decline the $6,000 procedure that would surley save your best pal’s life. Maybe you will even make the choice to have your him put to sleep (death), since that’s relatively inexpensive. And unless you have Beverly Hills-style money for a cemetary plot (or at least a big backyard), you will have to live with the fact that your cuddly, wet-nosed buddy was unceremoniously thrown onto a heap of other animal carcasses and incinerated.

It’s all a matter of unresolved feelings-- the need for a closure and absolution that won’t come. The problem is that animals can’t talk (or maybe it’s that people can’t "hear"). At least when a person dies, you can remember the last things you were talking about together. They told you what was on their mind, you laughed , shared ideas, maybe had a caesar salad over political talk. You mostly knew where you stood with them and accepted it. With pets, that’s impossible, (unless you had a particularly witty Cockatoo). You cry for all the things they never said, but probably wanted to say in the worst way. As you drive away from the vet’s office, you may ask yourself if you really made this poor animal happier than he would have been running free. And you will never know.

People you loved

Somebody you really cared about has just died. What to say, what to say. Everybody has their own way of dealing with true loss. But what if you don’t? Or what if you keep wondering, should I be crying? Should I be going mental? Is it too late to edit the headstone? Is this grief thing "getting old?"

Looks like it’s time for a Grieve-o-Metric reading. This will help assess the amount of anguish and/or guilt you should be feeling, and will allow you to grieve accordingly. Answer all questions yes/no, and tally up the ‘yeses’ at the end. Questions marked with a (2x )or (3x) are weighed more heavily, so count those yeses twice or thrice. Take the total and grieve for that many weeks (but triple the total if you are a woman).

1.  Are you SURE you loved the deceased person in question? Be honest. Please check all the other categories and make sure.

2.  Did the person, to the best of your knowledge, love you in return? Without an explicit exchange of money or services?

3.  Do you believe in Hell?
--Do you believe your loved one is going there?
–Do you believe your loved one was FROM there?

4.  Did you ever share a home with, or make love with this person? (2x)
–Did you ever cheat on this person? (if applicable)
–Are you cheating on them right now (as you read this)?
–Are you flinging yourself into their roaring funeral pyre (as you read this?)

5.  Was it your fault that they died? Be honest.(3x)
--Do the family or friends think it was your fault?

6.  Did you ever tell them at any time that you "hated them" or that they should "go away", or wish that they would simply implode?

7.  Did you say that you would "trade places with them" if you could? (obviously this is a lie).

8.  Did you ever read Poe’s The Premature Burial? (3x)

9.  Were you in another state when they died?
Was it Delaware? (3x)

10.  Was the death a surprise?
--Was it because of a surprise party?

11.  Was there anything funny about the way they died? (Not funny-strange, but funny-funny). Did the cause of death involve ANY of the following elements:
--A bananna peel
--"Groucho" fake-nose-and-glasses
--A bananna cream-pie or mashed potatoes
–A butcher’s "boner" knife
--A tuba or an accordion
--A spinning propeller beanie
–An eBay ™ auction
--Lard
–The game of Life, or a Ouija board set on "kill"
–A Renault "Le Car", a "Justy" or a "Yugo?"
–A Pee Wee Herman doll, or a Milli-Vanilli video?
–A rhesis monkey?
-A proboscis monkey?
–A Zamboni vehicle?


12.  Did you owe this person money?
–Did you get stiffed in the will?
–Did you ever slip them a "Wooden Nickel" or a "Canadian Quarter?"
–Did you have to return their overdue videos?

13.  Did you hope to have intimate relations with this person, but have now missed the "window of opportunity?"
-Do you feel that the window is "still open?" (3x)  (Lysol is recommended)

14.  When the person passed away, were you in a state of
--bickering
--belly-aching
--not-speaking
--internet flame-warring (2x)

15.  Was the person considerably younger than you? (2x)
–Did they look younger than you?
–Did you hate them for that?
–Did you hate you for hating them for looking like that?

16.  Did you miss this person’s last meal?
--Did you cook this person’s last meal? (2x)


17.  Will you (or did you) miss the funeral? (2x)
–Were you able to eat plenty at the wake?
–Were you not awake at the wake?
–Did the casket do an endo at any time?

18.  Did you neglect to tell this person that you loved them in the month before they died?
(Sorry-- singing telegrams, skywriters and mime-o-grams don’t count. Everybody hates those).

19.  Are you now reminded of your own mortality?
-Do you make lame reassurances to yourself such as "I'm too sexy for my grave", or "Too legit to split"?
-Is there more than one substance that will kill you (such aseKryptonite, or Tupperware?)?

20. Because of all this, have you now chosen the way you want to go?
-Can you afford this activity?
-Will you be happy enough if it doesn't go your way?
-Are you now changing your underwear daily simply to impress the mortician on the off-chance that the day is today?

21. Did anyone else you know read this article? (10x)

Well friends, I guess that’s about all there is to know about death, or at least your involvement in it. It’s a lot to remember, I know it sounds complicated. Trust me, it is.  But someday you will have your revenge when it’s you lounging tits-up in a pine box and everyone else is adjusting ties and sending sympathy cards.

So feel free to laugh when the hearse goes by.

(c)1998 James Hakola