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Crank Phone Calls, A Practical Guide

It's a new age, my friends.  If you like to make a good prank phonecall, you'd better wise up!  There's all kinds of stuff now just waiting to trip you up onto your clumsy ass.  Caller IDs, phonetracers, wiretaps, surveillance cameras, stalker legislation, and plain old P.C. inhibition have reduced a once proud artform to a dubious criminal activity.  Think crank-calling can't ever die?  Ask your father what a slide-rule is!  Here are some ways to keep this rich heritage going, and at the same time keep you from ending up in some white-collar gulag.

1. Ok, this is obvious, but don't ever make the crank call from your own house.   These days a call can be traced before you even press the seventh digit, and you'll be in handcuffs faster than you can say GTE.  Even as we speak, an undisclosed telecom company is testing a new caller ID unit equipped with an instant Lawsuit function.   All the crank-call recipient has to do is press the "Sue" button, and a cash judgement will be awarded to them, which will appear on your next phone bill (along with the legal fees).   CALL FROM SOMEWHERE ELSE!!

2. Go find a payphone somewhere in an out-of-the-way place.  It has to be a somewhat traveled area, so that you won't stand out in witness memories as the only person in the area at the time.  However avoid crowds.  You have to make sure there aren't any people around who can hear you, or any surveillance cameras, seeing-eye dogs or note-taking monkeys.  Unsuccessful businesses make for the best crank-call sites.  Try using a payphone in the lobby of a theatre showing a Billy Crystal film.

3. Make sure the phone location is not in your hometown, or in the city where you work, or at any point in between.  If you ever do go to trial for this, you'll want to be able to say that you had no business in this place. 

4. You may want to plant an "alibi dummy" in your bed at home, or in your chair at school or work.  Make sure it is your approximate height and girth, and has an appropriately colored wig.  Try faking laryngitis for a few days prior to explain the dummy's silence.  Don't even try to get a friend or spouse to lie for your alibi, they always crack under polygraph. 

5. Buy a pair of rubber gloves for handling the payphone.  Be sure to buy them outside your hometown, in case they are a unique brand, or are somehow serialized, since you'll want them to be traced to a place as far away from you as possible.  Wear a disguise (see below) when you buy them so that the clerk who sold them to you won't have your description, or a good image of you on his store camera.   Also, rubber gloves are thin enough to actually leave a fingerprint, so you'd better bring a pencil or a short stick for dialing the number.  Handle the receiver only with your palms, NOT your fingers or thumbs.  Dispose of the gloves and pencil by flushing them down a public toilet that is not in your hometown, or in the town where you work, or at any point in between.  Don't chew on the pencil, as dental records will point to you as the chewer should the pencil be recovered from the sewer.

6. You will need coins to pay for the call.  Use the larger coins denominations (quarters are best), so that there won't be as many pieces of evidence in the phone's cashbox.  To be safe, you'd better file the date and mint markings off the coins before depositing.  Handle them by the edges only.

7. Wear a disguise when  you crank-call.  There is always the chance that some rat-bast will remember you, or that there's a pinhole camera planted somewhere nearby (possibly on your person by already-suspicious feds).  Choose a disguise that vaguely resembles a well-known politician, since you don't want people to listen to you or take you seriously.  Nixon is a bad choice, since not only is he dead, but in life he was paranoid.  You don't want to look desperate or fearful, it only arouses suspicion.  Try someone at ease with himself-- confident, but not too swift and quickly forgotten.  Former Presidents Ford, Carter and Bush are good choices. House speaker Tip O'Neill might work in a pinch.  Although Reagan was forgetful, he is not forgotten, and is therefore a bad choice..

8. It's a scary thought, but satellite criminal surveillance is a reality, especially in cases where telecommunications crimes are being committed.  Cover yourself with an umbrella when walking to and from the crime scene to keep those low-orbit snoops off your back.  Plan to make your call when it's raining to justify the umbrella.  Never dial while there are aircraft overhead.

9. Pick your victim carefully!  Don't crank anyone you know, or anyone whose number you found in the phonebook.  It will look pretty grim when the DA hauls out your personal whitepages with the inksmudge just below Griselda Thrindle's name.  Always call at random, or wait until you see a good number on television or in a movie.   Anything in the 555 prefix is an easy mark.

10.Have your crank-call monologue planned and memorized.  There are a few good templates available on hidden internets sites, the most successful are as follows:

For businesses- Excuse me, Do you have Prince Albert in a can? (affirmative response)  Well then you'd better let him out.  (Abort immediately if response is in the negative)

For residences- Excuse me is your refrigerator running? (affirmative response)  Well then you'd better go catch it.  (Abort immediately if response is in the negative)

Try to stick to the script and avoid ad-libbing.  When you showboat, you make yourself too confident, and you'll get sloppy.  You might end up blurting out your home address or social security number, and that mistake will cost you some hard time.  Don't be a legend, save that for Robin Hood, or Joey Buttafuocco.

11. If you are worried about voice recognition try disguising your voice with a generic-brand kazoo or an off-brand Chiclets-type gum box.  A noseclamp is good also.  Or just don't say anything (hold your breath, too).  Or join a vow-of-silence monastery the day after your caper, your religious beliefs will excuse you from testimony.

12. Don't make crank-calls if you are a pregnant woman, since your unborn fetus will be held as an accomplice.  Courts have upheld that an unborn baby is technically a part of any phone call the mother makes, since he is connected  through the umbilical cord.  Never sell out anyone else's future for your own crimes!

Otherwise, have fun!  And don't let THE MAN stop you!

(c) 1999 James Hakola